Dark Secrets
by greysfan16
Summary: Mark's impending marriage to Lexie forces him to deal with significant physchological and physical pain from his childhood.A surprise visit from his father only makes everything worse.
1. Pain

**A/N This is going to be very dark, unlike what I usually write. It involves child sexual abuse so don't read if that bothers you.**

Pain

Mark Sloan was a three year old toddler who hardly ever saw his parents. He was left with the nanny most of the time, but lately his mommy had been staying home with him more. Mark didn't understand that his Daddy wanted nothing to do with Mommy anymore. In Thaddeus Sloan's mind, his wife had given him a son, which was all he really wanted. Having Mommy home was good, but Mark really didn't like what she was doing to him. She was hurting him and Mark was scared. He didn't want his mommy to hurt him anymore. He liked it better when his nanny had been around and his mommy had been out. His nanny, Carrie had never hurt him like this.

It had started one day when he had walked into his parents bedroom and saw his mother lying naked on her bed, touching herself in her private parts. She had coaxed him up onto the bed and she had taken his fingers and put them inside of her. Mark hadn't liked the feeling that it gave him. He felt dirty. He wanted to go play with his toys.

"Mommy, stop!" Mark yelled at her. He just wanted her to stop.

"Doesn't that feel good? It makes Mommy feel really good." Elizabeth Sloan cooed to her three year old son. The fact that her husband was no longer interested in her sexually, had forced her to turn her attention to her son. She wanted her son to give her the kind of pleasure that her husband had stopped giving her. She was not a well woman.

"No Mommy. Bad Mommy!" Mark yelled at her again. Despite being three years old, Mark knew when something wasn't right.

"Shhh, we can't wake Daddy." Elizabeth whispered. Mark wanted to wake his Daddy. Maybe Daddy would make Mommy stop.

Elizabeth's hand drifted down to her son's boxer shorts and her long narrow fingers slipped beneath the waistband. Mark had had enough. He knew what was going to happen. His Mommy was gonna touch him down there.

"Mommy, no hurt me." Mark pleaded as tears pooled in his slate colored eyes.

"It's gonna feel so good baby. I promise." Elizabeth insisted. Mark just wanted to kick her and run far, far away, but he was only three and there wasn't a lot of places he could get to.

No, Mommy!" Mark repeated desperately as he struggled to get away. It was then, that things turned aggressive. Elizabeth ripped his boxers from his body and lifted her three her old and put him on top of her and inside of her.

"No Mommy. It hurt!" Mark pleaded as he felt the worst pain he had ever felt in his short life. Mark just wanted things to be over. So he closed his eyes and waited for it to be done. He was sad and scared and he hated his mother for doing this. When it was over, Elizabeth put Mark on the bed.

"Don't tell anyone about the special way Mommy loves you. Not even Daddy. Promise?" Elizabeth warned Mark sternly. She knew that no one would understand how she chose to love her son.

"Uh huh." Whispered a frightened three year old Mark. He put his clothes back on as best as he could and ran back to his room. His legs hurt and in between his legs hurt even more. He crawled under his bedcovers and curled himself up in a ball and cried.

Forty year old Mark Sloan hated remembering what he had been through as a child. Most people didn't remember that far back, but he did. He remembered the pain and the fear that he had felt as a three year old. It had kept happening until he was twelve years old and able to shove his mother off of him and tell her that it was never going to happen again. Elizabeth Sloan tried a couple more times, but Mark was right. It never happened again. Every so often he thought about it. Even in New York, his shrink had never known that part of him because Mark was never ready to tell him about it. To this day only Derek's family and Addison knew the horror that his childhood had been. He knew that he had to tell Lexie. After all they were engaged and the wedding was set for six months from now. Mark knew that Lexie deserved to know the truth about his childhood. Maybe it was time for him to go see a shrink and be completely honest about his traumatic childhood.

He left his office and went to find Derek. He wanted Derek to know that he was ready to go seek help for the guilt he had for letting it continue even once he was in school and knew better. He found Derek standing on the bridge where they had had their infamous fight. He walked over to his oldest and best friend, feeling confident that Derek would be supportive of his decision. He wasn't sure how to say what he had to say so he had to think about it for a minute.

"I'm going to go see Dr. Wyatt." Mark finally began.

Derek looked at his best friend in shock. He had had no idea that Mark was about to say that. Derek knew how Mark felt about shrinks.

"Why?" Derek asked. Derek honestly thought Mark had dealt with the childhood sexual abuse a long time ago.

"Because I need help. She helped Meredith get better. Hell Meredith's all bright and shiny now. Kinda creepy if you ask me, but in a good way." Mark explained with a half grin.

"You aren't thinking of breaking off the engagement are you?" Derek demanded.

"No, I just need help to deal with what my mother did to me." Mark answered in a low voice. Derek was wrong. Mark was clearly still dealing with that pain. Derek guessed that Lexie didn't know yet, but he figured that it was none of his business.

"Good. I think that's good that you want to be whole and healed for Lexie." Derek told Mark.

"Big Grey and I are more alike than I realized." Mark commented.

"Except her parents didn't put her through the kind of hell your mother put you through." Derek pointed out with a nod. He did agree that Mark and Meredith were alike in many different ways.

"Yeah." Mark agreed as he looked down at his hands.

"Go see her Mark. I know she'll help." Derek told Mark. Derek could tell that Mark was in a bad way emotionally and psychologically and truthfully Derek was worried about his best friend.

"Thank you Derek." Mark told his best friend. Mark was lucky that he had the support of his best friend. Derek was encouraging him to get help for the childhood trauma and Mark knew that he had to do that for everyone's sake. He left Derek's office and headed in the direction of Dr. Wyatt's office.


	2. Facing His Demons

A/N A thousand apologies for not updating. First my computer crashed and then I was taking a summer class. The class is over now so more updates.

Facing his Demons

Mark could feel his palms sweating as he reached Dr. Wyatt's office. He knew that he was about to face his demons head on and he was scared. He didn't want to bring up his feelings of fear and pain and desperation again. It seemed as though he had no other choice and that frustrated him to no end. He wished the memories would fade and he wouldn't remember with disturbing clarity exactly what his psycho mother had done to him. She had taken away his childhood and Mark had never really gotten to enjoy it. He had enjoyed it when he was with Derek's family but he had to go home sometime.

He turned the handle on Dr. Wyatt's office door and prayed that she wasn't with anyone. He breathed out a sigh of relief when he saw her at her desk working on paperwork. She looked up and she was definitely surprised to see Mark standing there. They had not had ton of interaction so for her, she was surprised to see the Head of Plastics standing her office looking like he needed to talk.

"Uh, do you have some time?" Mark asked. He really was not sure how he was supposed to do this. This was the first time he'd be talking to a professional about what his mother had done to him and he was nervous. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to say or how much he was supposed to say.

"Yes, why don't you sit down." Dr. Wyatt told him calmly. She could tell that the Head of Plastics was going through something. She hoped she could help him deal with whatever was going on. Mark sat down on her couch and he wiped his hands on his pants hopping to dry his hands out.

"What brings you here?" Dr Wyatt asked. She wasn't sure what was going on, but she could tell it was big and that it was really messing with his head. Mark's eyes were on the floor and he couldn't make himself say what was really going on. He wasn't ready to deal with this. Mark wondered if he would ever be ready. He needed to do this. Not only for him, but for Lexie who still didn't know. Lexie deserved to know the truth and Mark wanted her to know about the kind of hell his childhood had been.

"My mother." Mark finally started. Dr. Wyatt looked at him questioningly. She had no idea what Mark meant by that and she was waiting for further explanation.

"She…uh…used me…um as her sexual plaything." Mark finally managed to get out. God he hated talking about this. He knew it was necessary, but he was uncomfortable talking about this stuff.

"When did it start?" Dr. Wyatt inquired. She had no idea that Mark had this kind of baggage. She had a lot of work to do to help him deal with this. If she thought Meredith had Mommy issues, Mark definitely did.

"I was three when she started making me touch her." Mark explained. God he was embarrassed and he hated that his mother had done this to him. He didn't handle any sort of embarrassment well and this was certainly no exception.

"How long did it last?" Dr. Wyatt asked.

"I was twelve when I finally got strong enough to push her off of me. By that time she came to see me when I was in my bedroom. She'd be naked and she'd force me to remove my clothes. Up until that point I cared what she thought of me and I wanted her love so I did whatever she told me to do." Mark explained as he shifted in his seat.

"Did she ever tell you why she was doing this?" Dr. Wyatt asked.

"Does it matter? This psycho destroyed my childhood." Mark snapped.

"I know you are angry Mark and you have every right to be angry, but I need to ask these questions." Dr. Wyatt explained calmly. She had a feeling that Mark had never let himself really grieve over his lost childhood or be outwardly angry towards his mother.

"No, you need to help me deal with it." Mark argued stubbornly.

"What did she say?" Dr. Wyatt asked in a much softer voice. Mark sighed, knowing that Dr. Wyatt was just trying to help him deal with this. He knew that he would have to answer awkward and uncomfortable questions if he wanted to be able to finally put this behind him for good.

"That I could never tell my father the special way that she loved me. She said that it was my responsibility as her son to see to her needs since my father was no longer being intimate with her." Mark whispered in a very low voice. He was upset and he wanted to vomit and cry at the same time. Mark never cried. Or at least he never let anyone see him cry. The idea that his mother had taken advantage of her three year old son made Mark ill. The fact that he had been that three year old whose mother had taken advantage of him made Mark want to vomit even more. He had carried a lot of guilt for letting it go on as long as he had. Looking back he knew that he should have told more people what was going on when he was a child. He had begged Carolyn Shepherd not to say anything to any authorities because he wanted his mother to love him. Mark knew that Carolyn hated not saying anything, but Mark was grateful that she hadn't said anything to the authorities.

"Did anyone else ever know?" Dr. Wyatt asked.

"Derek knew. So did his family. I told Derek when I was seven. At that time I knew what she was doing was wrong, but I wanted her to love me so I didn't complain. I told his family when I was eight." Mark explained as he drummed his fingers on the wooden armrests.

"And then I told Derek's now ex wife Addison several years after I met her." Mark explained. Addison had encouraged him to get help in dealing with it. Derek had insisted that Mark would get help when he was ready.

"You saw a shrink in New York?" Dr. Wyatt asked. Mark wondered how she had gotten that information. He knew it had been put in his personnel file, but he didn't know Dr. Wyatt read them when he wasn't even her patient until now.

"Yeah, but it was dealing mostly with parental abandonment and commitment issues." Mark explained. He was relieved that the dark gritty details of what his mother had done to him, appeared to be behind them.

"But your childhood trauma was never discussed?" Dr. Wyatt inquired. Wordlessly, Mark shook his head. He had never felt comfortable discussing it with his shrink in New York.

"Why now?" Dr. Wyatt asked.

"Because…I figure I should get over it. So my mother used me as her sexual plaything. At least she didn't beat me." Mark replied. He knew it was a total cop out, but it was the way he had rationalized things as long as he could remember.

"Mark…"Dr. Wyatt warned him. She knew he was trying to rationalize his reasons for being there.

"Okay fine…I'm getting married in six months and she still doesn't know." Mark explained the real reason he was wanting to deal with this now. Okay now it was all starting to make sense to Dr. Wyatt. Mark's reason for wanting to deal with this now made more sense now that he was being more honest and upfront.

"She's your fiancée. She deserves to know." Dr. Wyatt informed Mark. Mark knew that she was right, but honestly he was afraid that Lexie would leave him once she found out about this dark secret.

"I know." Mark whispered.

"You are afraid she's going to leave you once you tell her?" Dr. Wyatt asked. He could tell that was how Mark was feeling.

"Yeah." Mark admitted, his voice remaining uncharacteristically soft.

"Write down what you want to tell her and next week bring it to me and we'll discuss it." Dr. Wyatt told him. She didn't think he should tell Lexie yet. Not until he had worked through the pain and guilt that he had. She was hoping that writing words down would be therapeutic for him,

"Okay." Mark murmured before he stood up. He shook her hand and thanked her for her help. He turned around and left her office. Mark needed to figure out what he was going to say to Lexie. And how he was going to say it. He decided to go spend the next few hours locked in his office so he could work on what he was going to say to Lexie.


	3. Wait

A/N So sorry for the long wait. My muse left me. I am totally back and ready to write.

Wait

Even a year would not have been enough time for Mark to write something that made sense to anyone. He had never been a fantastic writer and now he was paying for not practicing that a bit more. This was his fiancée and he couldn't quite get out what he wanted and needed to say. Lexie was everything to him and he had lost her once and he never wanted to go through that again. He knew that the chances of her leaving him after learning of his childhood demons was very unlikely, but Mark was still anxious. He had written the statement in a letter format only because that was the way he felt most comfortable doing it. Now it was time for Dr. Wyatt to critique it and give him some suggestions on how to improve it or just change it.

He pushed open the door to Dr. Wyatt's office and she sat in her usual chair clearly waiting for him. Mark swallowed hard and hoped that his hands would feel less clammy. Therapy was nerve-wracking for him. Even though he had seen her last week. Mark had a feeling that therapy would never get easier for him.

"How was your week?" Dr. Wyatt inquired. She could see the stress written all over Mark's face and she had a feeling it had been a long, rough week for him.

"Hell." Mark replied promptly. It really had been. Whenever he looked at Lexie, he had wanted to tell her what was going on and it had killed him that he couldn't. He knew she needed to know and he was kind of angry with himself for not telling her before.

"Why don't you read to me what you wrote?" Dr. Wyatt suggested. Mark swallowed hard as he removed the piece of paper from his scrubs pocket and unfolded it with shaky hands. Dr. Wyatt knew how to turn him into a weak shaking thing and he hated it. Of course it wasn't Dr. Wyatt that was doing it, it was the act of remembering that was turning him into a shaky weak mess. He cleared his throat a few times before he began to read.

_Dear Lexie,_

_I don't have regrets. I have always lived my life with no regrets and I make no apologies for it. After I put that ring on your finger I developed my first real regret since I was a child. I regretted not telling you something I should have told you a long time ago. You know that my childhood was nothing like yours. You had parents who loved you and protected you and were always there for you. I had a father who never gave a damn about me and a mother who touched me for nine years. I carried a lot of guilt as an adult for not doing more to stop it when I was a kid. I was pretty angry at my mother for a very long time and a part of that anger will never truly go away. When I met you, I realized that I wanted to stop being so angry. When I told you that you were the one who put me back together I meant that in more ways than one. I was broken for a very long time and meeting you, falling in love with you made me whole again. Something I hadn't been since before I was three._

_More than anything, I want to make you happy for the rest of our lives together. I don't want to face this world without you at my side. I don't want my mother to take something else from me. Believe in me, believe in us. I love you so very much and I cannot wait to be your husband._

_Love,_

_Mark_

Dr. Wyatt was smiling as Mark folded up the paper and stuck it back into his scrubs. She could tell that writing that letter to Lexie had been hard and she commended him for doing it. Personally she thought it was a damn good letter. It was not full of detail of what Mark went through which Dr. Wyatt thought was good. That would force Mark and Lexie to really talk about everything using the letter as a starting point.

"Was it okay?" Mark asked after several moments of silence. Dr. Wyatt nodded as she studied Mark. She could tell he was still nervous but it wasn't as bad as it had been last week. Last week she had been sure he was going to drop something or throw up.

"It was damn near perfect." Dr. Wyatt informed Mark reassuringly. Mark exhaled with relief upon hearing that. He had struggled with the wording all week, though he didn't any anyone to know that. Mark looked at her, hoping she'd tell him what he had to do next thought Mark knew what she was going to say.

"Now what?" Mark asked.

"Now you have to go find her and give her that letter." Dr. Wyatt told Mark softly. The idea of sharing this letter made a fresh wave of nausea hit Mark. He always knew he was going to have to share the letter with Lexie, but he didn't feel ready.

"I'm not ready." Mark told Dr. Wyatt a little more firmly than he intended to.

"When are you ever going to be ready?" Dr. Wyatt asked. She knew that the longer Mark waited, the chances of him actually doing it grew less and less. Mark knew that he'd never be completely ready for this so he knew he had to just do it. He was hoping he'd feel better after doing it because really the anxiety was getting to be too much for him. If it was possible to get an ulcer from stress, Mark was sure he'd be developing one.

"I know." Mark agreed in a low voice.

"Then you'll do it soon, right?" Dr. Wyatt asked. Mark was starting to feel pressure and he did not respond well to pressure unless it was in surgery. He needed Dr. Wyatt to back the hell off.

"Yes." Mark muttered through gritted teeth. Dr. Wyatt could tell that Mark thought she needed to back off. So she did. She sat back in her chair and studied him.

"You still need therapy." She told Mark calmly. She knew that it was late, but Mark needed to deal with what had gone on when he was a kid. Lexie was a good woman, but she couldn't help him with this. She could listen and Dr. Wyatt had a feeling she would, but Mark needed more help than Lexie could give him.

"I know." Mark told her, nodding slightly.

Just then Mark's pager went off and he jumped and looked at it. He was confused at the display screen. It was Derek paging him, but the three letters that followed Derek's pager number were D-A-D. Was Derek trying to tell Mark that his father was there? Why would his father show up. It had been ten years since they had seen each other at Elizabeth Sloan's funeral. Mark had only gone to his mother's funeral so as not to arouse suspicion.

"I have to go." Mark told rather quickly. She figured it was a patient, but she also took notice of how rattled Mark looked. She knew from his personnel file that his mother was dead, so she couldn't have been the one to rattle him this much.

Mark realized that Derek hadn't indicated where he was so Mark headed for the lobby. He wished he knew what his father Bradley was doing here. Mark had no desire to have any sort of relationship with his father. In fact his father had no idea he was even engaged and Mark hoped that Derek would keep his mouth shut about Mark's impending nuptials. When he found his father, Bradley was standing with Derek and they looked to be taking. Bradley looked away from Derek and his eyes fell onto Mark.

Hello Mark." Bradley greeted his son. Mark's father had always been rather formal, even with his own son.

"Hello Father." Mark greeted his father just as formally. Suddenly Mark needed to know. In light of what he was working on, he had to know if his father knew that his mother abused him for nine years.

"Can we talk privately?" Mark asked. Bradley nodded, having his own things he needed to tell Mark. Things best said in private.

Bradley didn't even get a chance to speak about what he had come to talk to Mark about. As soon as they were in Mark's office and Mark had locked the door behind him, Mark spoke rather harshly to his father. That was something he would have never dared to do as a child.

"Did you know?" Mark demanded. Mark was shaking all over again. He had to know if his father had known what Elizabeth Sloan had done to her son.

"Did I know what?" Bradley asked, looking totally confused as to what Mark was talking about.

"That Mother touched me sexually for nine years?" Mark asked. Mark needed to know that his father hadn't known. He needed to know that his father would have protected him if he had known.


	4. Confessions

A/N No excuses I know.

Confessions

Bradley Sloan stared at his son at a complete loss for words. He didn't know what to say to Mark. Yes he had known. He had known since Mark was five that his wife was sexually abusing their son. He knew that Mark would hate him for not stepping in and protecting him. Bradley Sloan had been a lousy father. He had always known that and he had always carried the guilt with him. It seemed as though his problems would have to wait. He'd have to talk to Mark about things he didn't know about first.

Mark wished his father would answer. The fact that his father wasn't answering caused a pit in Mark's stomach. He was becoming convinced that his father had known. The anger was quickly rising up in Mark. How could his father not protect him? What had Mark done to deserve this? Mark wished he knew the answers to those questions.

"I did know." Bradley finally admitted quietly, his eyes dropping to stare at the floor. He couldn't look at his son. He couldn't look and see the hate and anger in Mark's eyes. Bradley was ashamed of his behavior but he knew nothing he did could make it better.

"How could you know and not protect me?" Mark demanded. He was furious with his father's admission though he had suspected it.

"I'm so sorry Mark. I should have taken you out of that damn house from the moment I found out." Bradley told him. Mark shook his head. That was not going to work. He couldn't just apologize and have everything be okay again. Mark had never had a good relationship with his father and this revelation sure didn't help.

"Well that's just not good enough." Mark told his father. Bradley knew that Mark had every right to be livid with him. After all Bradley had failed his son. His innocent son who didn't deserve what had happened to him.

"I know and I don't expect it to be. I failed you. I let it go on far too long." Bradley admitted. Mark studied his father. Up until today he had never realized that their eyes had the same color and shape. Mark had always known that he had the Sloan nose. That had been one of the first similarities he had ever noticed.

"How long have you known?" Mark asked. As much as it would hurt, he had to know the answer.

"I think you were five. I came home early from a poker game and I saw what your mother was doing to you." Bradley told him. Mark felt like he was going to be sick. His father had known since then and he hadn't gotten Mark out of there.

"That's why I started getting your mother into some high society events. Then she'd have less time to do what she was doing." Bradley added.

"You could have fucking got me out of there. Instead you were a coward and made your son endure hell for seven more years after you found out." Mark yelled. He was angry and getting angrier by the minute. His father may have felt like he was doing something but even the late nights out with her husband hadn't stopped Elizabeth Sloan from being intimate with her young son almost every night.

"I don't think you realize how powerful your mother's family is." Bradley told him. Not that it was an excuse, but Elizabeth's maiden name was Ford. Usually it would be the woman who married into money, but in this case Bradley had been the one to marry into money. Mark was confused. What did his mother's family money have to do with any of it? Was his father really trying to justify it?

"What does her money have to do with any of it?" Mark demanded.

"Your mother was slated to marry Michael Montgomery. It had been arranged practically since they were in diapers. Then I got her pregnant unexpectedly. Your grandfather informed me that I would marry her because having an unmarried pregnant daughter would ruin the Ford family." Bradley told Mark. Mark was totally lost now. Michael Montgomery was Addison Montgomery's father. So Mark's mother had been slated to marry Addison's father?

"What does that have to do with what she…what she did to me?" Mark demanded.

"Just that even if I had been able to get you away, your mother could have hired the best lawyers and prevented me from getting custody of you. Her family could have covered up the whole truth." Bradley told Mark. It sounded weak even to Bradley and he couldn't believe he had tried to sell that as an excuse.

"She actually scared you." Mark realized as his slate colored eyes widened. He didn't think he'd ever hear that from his father.

"Yes she did. Money in the hands of Elizabeth Victoria Ford Sloan was a dangerous thing." Bradley told Mark honestly. Elizabeth had the power to do anything she needed or wanted with the money she had.

"You still failed me." Mark argued. Mark wasn't even giving his father's revelations any merit with the exception of his father's final revelation. Mark hadn't been the only one afraid to cross Elizabeth Sloan.

"I know." Bradley concurred softly. Bradley knew that he'd never be able to make it up to his son. He knew that trying to would just frustrate them both.

Lexie was at Mark's apartment planning a surprise for him. She knew he hated surprise parties but this was different. She was cleaning up under the bed, when her hand closed over a crumpled piece of paper. She pulled it out and uncrumpled it and her chocolate eyes scanned the paper and her heart caught in her throat as she read the words that her fiancee had written.

_Dear Lexie,_

_I'm so sorry I kept this from you. My mother was a vile evil bitch who I hated with every bone in my body. She violated me from the time I was three until I was twelve years old. I hate her for doing this. She's the reason I can't get relationships right. She's the reason I don't want to have kids. I'm petrified that her sick twisted genes have passed on to me. I don't ever want to put you or my kids through what she put me through._

_I love you more than anything in the world but I can't marry you. I can't risk putting you through the pain. I love you too much. Don't come looking for me. I'm going far away where I cannot risk hurting you or anyone else that I love. Don't cry, find someone worthy of your love because if anyone deserves happiness and true unwavering love, it's you. Don't ever think I didn't love you because I do. I love you so much but I'm too messed up. I'm broken Lexie. Broken beyond repair._

_Love Mark_

By the time Lexie had finished reading the letter, tears were streaming down her face. She couldn't believe Mark had been through this terror. She couldn't believe he was willing to give up on them. She loved him and she wanted to help him through this pain. He wasn't broken. He was the strongest, most wonderful man she had ever met. She couldn't lose him now.

Lexie barely remembered getting into regular clothes or grabbing her purse. All she remembered was pulling her car into the staff parking lot at SGH-MW. She saw Mark's car in it's usual spot and she breathed a sigh of relief. She wouldn't have to go all over Seattle to look for him. As soon as she ran into the library, she saw Derek. She ran over to her brother in law hoping he knew where Mark was.

"Do you know where Mark is?" Lexie asked. Derek looked up and turned around to face his sister in law. He hadn't even noticed Lexie coming into the building. Now that Derek looked at Lexie she looked upset and he was cornered about her. He didn't want to see her upset. Especially if Mark had done something to upset her.

"Yeah he's in his office with-"Derek started to tell Lexie before he cut himself off. Lexie took of before Derek could tell her that Mark was in there with his father. What Derek didn't know was that Mark had thrown his father out of his office only minutes before.

Lexie ran down the hallway and when she reached Mark's office door, she opened the door. Mark was sitting behind his desk shuffling papers, trying to get the encounter with his father out of his mind. He looked up when Lexie came in and the first thing that he noticed was that she was crying.

"You're here?" Lexie whispered. Now Mark was confused again. Where else would he be?

"Of course I'm here. Where else would I be?" Mark asked her as he stood up and made his way towards her.

"Maybe you ran out on me to avoid me feeling pain?" Lexie whispered as she held up the crumpled letter. Mark sighed when he realized what she was holding. No wonder she had been so upset. He opened his arms and Lexie went straight into them.

"I have a lot to tell you." Mark whispered against her soft chocolate colored hair. He held her, knowing that he'd explain everything in just a minute. Right now he just wanted to hold his fiancee.


	5. An Explanation

**A/N I haven't been good at updating anything. Not just this one. but all of them.**

An Explanation

Mark had been under the impression that he had thrown away all of the previous copies of the letter. Apparently he hadn't done that and Lexie was holding the first letter he had written in a desperate attempt to get the words out and onto paper. God of course he wanted to marry her. Of course he wanted to spend his life with her. Of course he wanted to raise children with her. Mark would never admit it but seeing Dr. Wyatt was helping him. Dr. Wyatt was helping him far more than his shrink in New York had.

"Lex, I'm not going anywhere. I still want to marry you on November first if you'll still have me." Mark murmured into her soft brown hair.

"Of course I'll still have you."Lexie whispered as she rested her hand on his chest.

"Good because I'd hate to cancel a wedding after you have threatened Meredith with hideous dresses." Mark teased lightly. He knew that they would have to have a serious talk but right now he was finding it easier to crack jokes with his fiancée.

"What…Why didn't you tell me?"Lexie whispered. She understood keeping unimportant secrets from your fiancée but something like this she should have been told. The man she loved had been violated from preschool age. Lexie still could hardly believe what she had learned that day. She was pretty sure that the surprise party that she had been setting up for Mark was not going to happen. She suspected Mark would come home and just zone out on the couch while watching a basketball game.

"I…I guess I was ashamed. I know it wasn't my fault but I didn't want anyone else to carry this burden." Mark told her hesitantly.

"It's only a burden if you let it be a burden. Now I'm not saying forget about it, because I know something like this can't be truly forgotten, but I'm begging you to learn how to deal with it. Please do this for us and for our kids." Lexie told him. She was hoping that getting him to talk about it was the right thing to do. She didn't know because she had never encountered something like this before. They didn't have kids yet but they both wanted them and Lexie didn't want to bring the kids into a world in which their father was afraid to touch them for fear that it would incite some inappropriate behavior inherited by his mother.

"I can't tell you about…about what she did to me. It makes me sick, remembering things that we did. And knowing that my father has known since I was about five makes me even madder." Mark admitted as he looked at Lexie. God he was glad that she had found out. He wasn't sure if she would push him for details, but he hoped she wouldn't.

"I wouldn't ask. I couldn't imagine hearing about things that someone did to the man I love."Lexie murmured.

Mark felt relaxed around her. The most relaxed he had felt all day and he was relieved that the crumpled letter that she was holding was not the one that he had decided to read to her. Her raspberry vanilla scent was comforting to him in the midst of everything that had happened on that day.

"Read this." Mark told her as he pulled the newest letter out of his pocket. That letter said things much better than Mark could ever hope to say verbally. Lexie let go of him and with trembling fingers she took the letter from his hands and unfolded it.

_Dear Lexie,_

_I don't have regrets. I have always lived my life with no regrets and I make no apologies for it. After I put that ring on your finger I developed my first real regret since I was a child. I regretted not telling you something I should have told you a long time ago. You know that my childhood was nothing like yours. You had parents who loved you and protected you and were always there for you. I had a father who never gave a damn about me and a mother who touched me for nine years. _

_I carried a lot of guilt as an adult for not doing more to stop it when I was a kid. I was pretty angry at my mother for a very long time and a part of that anger will never truly go away. When I met you, I realized that I wanted to stop being so angry. When I told you that you were the one who put me back together I meant that in more ways than one. I was broken for a very long time and meeting you, falling in love with you made me whole again. Something I hadn't been since before I was three._

_More than anything, I want to make you happy for the rest of our lives together. I don't want to face this world without you at my side. I don't want my mother to take something else from me. Believe in me, believe in us. I love you so very much and I cannot wait to be your husband._

_Love,_

_Mark_

Tears were streaming down Lexie's face when she finished reading that letter. She went right back into Mark's embrace and did her best to stop the tears that were pouring down her face. She couldn't imagine feeling angry throughout her entire life and she was so happy that her love had helped Mark so much. After reading that letter, nothing had changed for her. She still wanted to marry Mark and have kids with him. Those words that he had written were both beautiful and heartbreaking and her heart ached for that three year old who had his innocence stolen from him by his mother.

"I love you."Lexie told him simply as tears shone in her chocolate brown eyes. Mark had doubted that her love would change after reading the letter but he was still relieved to hear her say it.

"I love you too." Mark reassured her as he brought his lips down onto hers. Lexie kissed him back lightly, not wanting to get into anything too steamy just yet. She still had questions.

"Your dad?" Lexie whispered. Mark had mentioned his father very briefly in the letter but Lexie wanted…no needed to know more about that relationship.

"He knew since I was five but he didn't take me and leave because he knew that with Mother's money, she would be able to hire the best attorneys in the state. Father wouldn't be able to do that. He knew he'd lose custody of me." Mark told Lexie matter-of-factly. Lexie's blood boiled. She couldn't believe that Mark's father had failed his son so blatantly. She knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that Mark would never fail his child in the same way.

"Oh Mark."Lexie whispered. Mark's arms tightened around her small frame and he held her close. Lexie was such a tenderhearted woman and Mark knew that she felt so much empathy for him. She had never experienced the same thing but she still hurt and she hurt for him. Mark wondered how he had gotten so lucky as to have her as his fiancée.

"I threw him out of my office just minutes before you got here." Mark told her quietly. Lexie was surprised when Mark told her what he had done. She guessed that was the best idea because if she had met him she would have had a false idea of him.

"Why?" Lexie whispered. Though now as she was thinking about it, she knew why. Mark had just found out that his father had known for seven years about the abuse and he hadn't protected his son like he was supposed to.

"I couldn't look at the man who had known about all of this and done nothing." Mark told her. Looking at his father was like looking at an older version of himself and Mark hoped that he would never be that cowardly.

"Derek and his family knew didn't they?" Lexie asked. As Mark's best friend Derek would have known for awhile. Because the Shepherds were such a big part of Mark's life, Lexie doubted very much that they hadn't known about what was going on in the Sloan household at night. Mark nodded in confirmation as his slate colored eyes studied Lexie's face that had turned blotchy from all the tears.

"I told Derek when I was seven. I begged him not to tell anyone. I told his family when I was eight. His mother did everything right by notifying the cops but nothing came of it because I lied. I was scared and so I lied and said my mother never touched me." Mark told Lexie. He was speaking in a matter of fact voice because it was the most unemotional his voice could get and he couldn't let emotions get in the way.

"Don't blame yourself Mark. You were just a kid and this…God this was a grown up situation that you were put in at a horrible age." Lexie pleaded. She wanted so much to heal him and make the hurt go away but in her heart, Lexie knew that, that wouldn't happen. She also really wanted them to stop discussing this. She was already upset and she knew Mark was too. She could see that look in his eyes.

"Can we…go home?" Mark asked hesitantly. He needed to go home with his fiancée and just forget all about today and all the crap that had come with it.

"Yeah, as long as you promise me that you'll see a shrink."Lexie told him. Thankfully Mark had already decided to continue seeing Dr. Wyatt so it wasn't that big of a deal to agree to that.

"I'll do that. Anything for you Lex." Mark promised her before he tilted her chin with his thumb and kissed her soundly on the mouth. She was everything to him. He could lose everything else in the world as long as he had her. Lexie ruined the moment by giggling into the kiss. Pulling away, Mark looked at her amusedly. He had no idea what had caused her to giggle but he loved hearing it.

"Come on Lex. Let's go home." Mark told her, finally feeling like smiling. She just had this way of making even the worst days, one of the best days. He loved her for that. He envied her optimism and he wished he felt like that every day. Tugging on her hand, Mark pulled her out of his office. He wrapped his arm around her and the two of them headed to Mark's made a mental note to pick up her car tomorrow even though she didn't have to work. Right now, she wanted to be alone with Mark. He had had a rough day. The two of them had weathered another storm together and Lexie loved knowing that the two of them could get through anything.


End file.
